I don't usually blog about my personal life. I just feel now though I need to talk about something. I don't know if anyone knows much about a dysfunctional family. I come from. This entire family is full of examples of verbal, physical, and emotional abuse.
I grew up pretty much not knowing the next time my dad was going to go off. I would get yelled and spat in my face for stuff that a normal kid would do. I can remember my first memories of my father being that man who yelled all the time. I didn't like to be around him. I think I was maybe two or three at the time. I used to pretty much just seek solace in my room to stay away from them as much as I could.
The emotional and verbal abuse was combined with physical. I was told I was too fat, too stupid, not smart enough, or that I would never what I wanted to be. As a kid I wanted to be an archaeologist. I loved history. I was told I couldn't do that because "there were no jobs in that field."
Physical abuse incidents I can remember include being knocked into a tile wall and having my head hit. I had a huge ass knot on my head. I was told by my mother it was because "You got in your father's way." I was thrown out of a swimming pool at around eight or nine for whatever reason. I was dropped and fell on my wrist. I pretty sure it was sprung but they didn't take me to the doctor for fear that it would be registered as child abuse. I can remember having my bed destroyed by my father while I was in it. I can also remember being beaten several times to the point that I had bruises on my back and my lower abdomen.
The verbal and emotional abuse was the worst though. I was told that I was "too fat and that I needed to find a man." I was told that I needed to pick a different career, I needed to do this, I needed to do that. I was accused to being a thief and a sneak. I was pretty much just ignored a lot or was the dumping ground for whatever problem there was at the time.
I have two younger brothers. The youngest was pretty much just left out in the cold. He had to endure all of the shenanigans of my other brother. He's gay but that was never an issue either. He left to go to school up North and will be graduating in May. I am proud of him. He's done well grade wise and has adjusted well socially. I'd like to see him succeed.
Then we have the golden child, my worthless piece of shit brother. This fucker is a convicted felon who persuades other family members to sell vehicles to the families of cop killers. He's been convicted of driving, drug, and theft offenses. He's stolen from family members (including prescription drugs). This fucker has not worked in three years and still pretends to be looking for work. My parents have given him a car to drive (late model vehicle), pay his insurance plus gas costs, taxes on the vehicle, pay for him to have a cell phone, and give him spending money.
This fucker's issues are compounded by the fact that he has fried his brain doing whatever drugs he can get his hands on. He's now on several psychotropic drugs due to this issue. The thing about this is that my parents put more time and money into this shithead then any of us. He was allowed to change school (he couldn't handle going to a new school) and given a trophy after he quit a sports team because it was "too hard." Those reward failing behaviors. Is it a wonder he can't cope with adulthood?
The funny thing about this was that my father poured more effort and time into this shithead then any of us other children. My brother pretty much was an egomaniac and always made sure that I knew I was worthless and whatever else. I pretty much stayed away from his as much as I could.
My mother in all of this is just another victim of domestic violence and the dysfunction cycle. She at one time was intelligent, bright, and was very attractive (I look just like her so I have to say that). She got caught up with my father early on in my life and stayed with it. I blame her for allowing my father to treat us like that.
As for my father I will say I think the term borderline personality applies. I don't think he's a bad person he just socialized in dysfunction by his asshole of a stepfather. The thing is, though, there are predating warning signs. My father physically assaulted his ex-wife (convicted of) and beat her kid for not being potty trained properly. Warning signs, anyone?
I've pretty much marginalized my brother at this point. He's just embarrassing. I mean I'm social if I must come into contact with him but I refuse to have any ongoing relationship with him otherwise. He knows better than to cross me. I've made certain that he knows I will use the judicial system and whatever other means I have to ensure he doesn't come around me.
Due to this whatever upbringing I suffered from the same complications that a lot of survivors of childhood abuse suffer from. At least until Friday...
I went to my parent's house and there was a row about whatever. My father starts looking at me and making threats about whatever. I just looked at him and said "What now exactly are you going to do?"
It kind of felt like that scene out of the movie "Labyrinth" where the girl tells the Goblin King "You have no power over me." I'm in my 20s and I'm going into law school to be a federal prosecutor...come on now. I finally freed myself at that moment from this family's issues.
I just left that night and didn't say anything. I get a phone call this morning from them asking if I wanted an I-phone for my birthday and a year of service. I told them I would think about it. My father then says "We are your parents." I just told him "I'm not going to argue this morning. I'll talk to you when you act like a normal person."
Either way this freedom from the dysfunction is weird. It's a great feeling though, its like a huge release. I'm anxious to see what happens now...
